THE LIGHTER SIDE OF TRAP SHOOTING Page 1
TIME TO LAUGH We all know trapshooting is a fun and often a funny sport, so it's time to poke at it.
WHEN NICE PEOPLE ASK STUPID QUESTIONS AN INTERVIEW WITH A SANDBAGGER THE SHEER DISGUST OF TRAP SHOOTING
Remember when you were at a shoot and "someone" said hello, struck up a conversation and you sort of wished it would all end... soon? Okay, you're lucky... but what if you ran into this dude? WHEN NICE PEOPLE ASK STUPID QUESTIONSOnce upon a time... an old trap shooter steps off the firing line, leans his fine shotgun on the rack, sits and opens a beer. It's a great day! A voice crashes the air... Hi, my name is Billy Billy. I know it's confusing to remember but my mom named me twice 'cause I'm double-trouble she say's. I don't pay no heed to her though, ya'know? (beat of silence) What's wrong with ya neck, mister? Glory be... what's wrong with ya neck ? Nothing! Well, ya keep turnin' ya neck so ya stupid head points in the opposite direction of where I is -- Look kid, what do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? Busy my rump on a New York barbecue spit in a Summer hurricane. Ya just wanna drink ya beer in front of me... don't ya? No need to be rude, mister. Just ain't no call for it. All right already, have a beer. Satisfied now? Glory be, thanks mister. I'm Billy Billy -- I know. I know. I'm Jack Jack. What can I do for you? Really? Jack Jack? Double trouble too huh? Well, I seen ya trapshootin' and I think you're -- Ahh, cut it out. I'm not a professional. Sure is, man, like I mean with all them medals ya wearin' and all and -- I've been doing this, son, for a long time... but I-- Excuse me, but I notice that belt you a wearin' has notches in it. So it's true? What? What? What's true? You're... you're a sandbagger. Look kid, I don't need any of this -- Rumors never lie 'less they talkin' 'bout ladies. That's what my mom say's. Woman strolls by, smiles, nods approvingly. You're picking a fight aren't you? I know your type. Just going around trying to piss people off to make your game better. Well I'm too up for you, boy. Go play your mind-games elsewhere. The trap shooter snatches Billy's beer away with a strong yank. Hey, that's my beer! Calling me a sandbagger. Just who do you think you are? Billy Bonehead the III? Scram! Beat it! Get out of here! Go pester that guy over there. Billy leaves, sulks strongly, shoes scuff the cement, reflects sad eyes over his shoulder. Hey kid... hey? Billy returns, all smiles. Trap shooter hands Billy a beer, but doesn't let go. Look boy, I'll break your trigger finger if you spread that rumor around. I have a reputation. Trapshooter lets go of beer. It spills on Billy's shirt from the recoil. Good golly, mister. Did you cut wind? All right. That does it. I tried to be nice to you but I can see that's not going to work. Billy tosses beer to concrete spraying the guns on the rack with brew. C'mon, ya wanna fight me? Huh? C'mon you old sandbagger! The old man rises, takes a swing at Billy, knocks him down. Go pester somebody else, boy. Billy's mother storms onto the scene. Pushes the old trapshooter back down into his chair. He obeys for her shotgun is pointed you know where. Now, you pickin' on me Billy? Are you? Tell the truth you ol' sandbagger! Now wait a minute here -- It's true ma. I didn't provoke him. He's a mean old bas -- Shut your mouth. Ain't no way to treat ya daddy. Daddy? Jack rises, screams. Mrs. Billy throttles his neck. Manager! Field Captain! Help! Help! Shut up! Shut up! This is the last trap shoot for you, dad. You walk around these traps acting like a professional... too good for everyone. Manager and Field Captain arrive, hot out of breath. What's all the comotion going on here? That old man is my daddy! Jack rises, keeps his distance from Mrs. Billy. Now hold on, everybody, please, please. I'm an old man. My heart just isn't up to this. I'm confused. It never fails! Didn't you look at the program? Mrs. Billy slaps the program into Jack's face. Jack's eyes expand as he reads the paper. Noooo! Everybody nods. Billy and his mother hug Jack. Then Mrs. Billy grabs Jack by the ears and lead him away. Everyone cheers as Jack sings the Ow-ow song. Ow! Ow! Ow! What is the lesson here? Read the program. Seems old Jack won the handicap event and played the options as every good and decent trapshooter should... but poor old Jack got himself a wife and kid as a trophy. Now ol' Jack can complain all he wants to management but he played by the rules and that's that. So, when the day arrives when a boy comes up to you asking stupid questions... better go to the cashier and backout of the shoot, 'cause you never know when you will win that "special" sandbagger's handicap event... the losers always win this one!
FABULOUS STUPID QUESTIONSRemember the good old days when life was simple, school was uncomplicated and life was a breeze? Well, kiss them goodbye! Today with computer literacy and calculators with dictionary-size instruction manuals, well, life is just complex for the youth of the age. Here's a list of some real dumb questions they ask. Is there real gunpowder in that gun like the kind Marco Polo made? (Who's Marco Polo?) I heard a guy say to a girl to mount it gun slowly. Is that obscene or what? (Hmmm?) I thought trapshooting was crapshooting? (The kid wasn't wrong was he?) What's the difference between a post and a station? (The post is where you hitch the horse in front of the trap station where you stand. Dumb kid!) It's optional to play the options? (Nope, you gotta play or the pros get in a fray..) What does length of pull mean? (Kid, go ask somebody else.) Excuse me... your butt is crooked, sir (When you get to my age...) Look... I got a high rib too! (Put your shirt back down, boy. This ain't no carnival.) Why they call it trapshootin'? (Cause ya can't stop once ya start doing it.) Sniffin' used hulls makes headaches go away? (Yep. It's the nirtoglycerin. Calms the nerves too.) How come I didn't win? (Stop it, boy, stop it... you ain't the only one ya'know?) I missed ten targets today. How'd you do? (Congradulations! Now let me be sorrowful.) Man, I flinched three times today. (Well stop closing ya eyes when ya pull the trigger, dummy.) I got a great load. Wanna see it? (Take that to the mens room, boy. Now go away.) What's the best trap gun to buy? (Adolf Klunkenheimer Trap Special, $125,000. I got two. ) How can I stop hitting those hard rights? (Say that again, boy?) Mine's 30-inches. What's yours? (Here, chew on this bar of soap.) My comb keeps slapping my cheek. Why? (Grow-up, boy. Use a hair brush like the rest of us.) Sandbaggers sure are rich, huh? (Don't look at me in that tone of voice!) I scored! I scored! (With who?) I think I got a hole in my pattern. (Nooooo! Really?) I need a full choke. (C'mere, close your eyes, exhale... that a boy... How's that feel?) I don't understand lead. What is it? (Shoot where the target will be in the future, not now.) I ain't liftin' my head no more. (That's it... keep your eyes to the pavement at all times.) Do ya think I ask dumb questions? (Heck no... whatever gave you that stupid idea?) Shooters gossip like women? (It's worse, son... much, much, worse. It's like that guy over there...) Ya wrong, mister. Everybody likes me! (Until you can shoot a darn good score!) Lot of grumpy shooters today. (It's hard to smile when ya face is frozen in ice... it's winter!) That girl said she likes you. (I know it's your mother, boy. I don't want no family. Leave!) What's a Calcutta? (A magical place far, far, away... in never-never-land. I've never been there.) You wear diapers? (I said, "Git my diaper bag." Whattaya hard of hearin'?) ..................................... BY THEIR TEARS YOU SHALL KNOW THEM! A young trapshooter with that typical cock-sure strut approaches, the room falls silent, not a murmur is heard. The puzzled boy stops, looks around, sees a man smiling at him. Feeling it safe to speak, the boy whispers, Mr.? Why do they call this sport trap shooting? The man slinks away as the flashing teeth of a seething crowd shouts with blazing eyes to the boy, "Shut your trap!" The poor boy received the answer.... never speak when standing by the scoreboard! For it is hallowed ground to which the living-dead gather to appease their weary souls in the dark remorse of misery. Another nice way to say, "The crybabies gather seeking sympathy from those who have no tears left to give... and would not give a rat's butt about your score." So, now you know what is really going on when you see those scavengers gathering by the scoreboard. Those occasional smiles you see is really the gnashing of teeth, and that glimmer in their eyes are precursors to robbing you of the sympathy you reserved for yourself. Cry alone my friend. Do not mingle with evil men.
AN INTERVIEW WITH A SANDBAGGER There has been much discussion over the years about sandbaggers dodging the rules of the game to essentially, it is alleged, to cheat shooters out of their money. We decided there was in fact two-sides to a coin... EDITOR - Hello Mr. Clarence Bagasan III. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'd like to ask you a few questions. BAGASAN III - No fear. Let's do it. Please, have some wine. EDITOR - So it is true sandbagging once suspected, like the Mafia, truly do exist? BAGASAN - If I told you I'd have to kill you (laughter). EDITOR - (laughing too) Old joke, Clarence. So... it is true sandbagging... once suspected like the Mafia to be fictional, truly do exist? Yes. It's time we all come out of the wash basins and clean up our act. So I elected myself to represent the NASSOB's. National Association of Sandbagging Sons of Bit... well, you get the idea. We can't live like this anymore hiding from exposure. It's time the truth be known that we are cheaters... and be bloody-buggery proud of it too! EDITOR - Cheating? Now just how do your cheat the rules? Many do not understand this. BAGASAN - Yes. Cheating is truly an art. Not everyone can do it so skillfully as we can... and by the moons of Jupiter we'll get our due respect yet! There is one fundamental thing all these negative magazine article writers fail to understand. EDITOR - What's that? BAGASAN - Sandbaggers have rights too! We have been maligned, criticized, libeled and slandered for decades. For what? What wrong did we do to deserve this? EDITOR - Cheating! BAGASAN - That's our vocation! It's what we do for a living. It's our job! Like a wife screaming at her husband it's all a sport... it's what women do... it's their sport, their game. Get it? We cheat, that's our game. Now anyone who deserves to be cheated out of their money deserved it. That's the first thing we learn in sandbagging school... we live by it, with pride I may add. I have no shame for making a good living. I'm not hurting anyone. Do you see bruises on shooters? Broken necks? No. We just hurt their little feelings. Take a little money we feel is rightfully ours. It's like a tax. Or think of it as dues, yeah, dues. You pay a small fee to shoot, right? Well, you pay us our dues. Heck, it's only money. Why make such a big deal out of it? EDITOR - What authority do your have to justify levying fees on shooters for your own profit? BAGASAN - We don't play by your blasted rules so we don't recognize any jurisdiction here. We have our own code of ethics and that is simple... make money from other peoples money. EDITOR - Now that's a low blow. BAGASAN - Look buddy, banks do it everyday. The mortgage you own, well, you're making money off of other peoples money when you sell that defective old house of yours. So don't give me your righteous grumblings. Sandbaggers are honorable people. At least we are straight-up about it, unlike the banks and your kind. Yes, sandbaggers are cheats and thieves but we are honorable men and women... honor among thieves does exist contrary to public perception. We are born losers but sandbagging gives us a sense of self-worth. I sandbagged for this fine home and the fine leather chair you sit in. Am I proud? No. I am delighted! EDITOR - Getting back to cheating... tell us how to do it. BAGASAN - We have many secrets, I'll share a few. Some I must not tell as it is against our sacred honor and oath to reveal them. EDITOR - Like paying off people to rig scores? BAGASAN - No comment. I can tell you this, my dear friend. First, please, may we toast to our fine sport of trapshooting (glasses cling). We never shoot alone and for good reason. If I miss my buddy will see a "chip" break off the target. This one works like magic. I like turning down pulls and blaming the puller. This gets the kid upset, nervous and messes up everyone else on the squad too. Just little mind-games we play. I'll tell you one thing that may frighten you. We have a sandbagger on every squad! That's right. Even your best friend could be a high-ranking member of NASSOB and you would never suspect it. But you'll notice one thing. That shooter usually beats you and the others score. That's all I can say about it at this time. Oh, one more thing... our kids and relatives are charting your scores and we make sure they sort of not do a good job on you if you know what I mean. Just a little clerical error here and there. And you thought you missed (laughter). We are now going hi-tech. With our tiny radios we can speak to our target setters and give you some wild targets and our "Reward the Puller" program is handing over to us some very nice pulls... and giving you what you deserve for shooting at the slow or fast pull. Hey, trapshooting is one big happy family! EDITOR - I see. One big happy family of thieves. BAGASAN - Now, now. We mustn't be so cruel. Let me assure you it is nothing personal. I'd take your option money... and I hate Editors! EDITOR - Very comforting philosophy you have on life. BAGASAN - Thank you. We Bagasan's have been well-trained in the art. Let me tell you what we did just last year at the Reno Golden West Grand. You know that top gun from Italy that shows up every time the perfect 50's cash pot grows? We had to do something 'cause there was too much money to risk to share equally. Personally I was against the tactic, but I had to cast my vote with the homeboys. EDITOR - What on Earth did you do to him? BAGASAN - Not I, mind you... we placed a baby roach in his ear. Those little critters when they rub their legs together sounds like a space shuttle launch. Ol' Mr. Italy had to leave the shoot and we took the money. All's fair in love and trapshooting we say. EDITOR - What else do sandbaggers do, to get that winning edge? BAGASAN - We've been known to sweeten the food at the shoot with laxative. You would be surprised to know just how low scores can go when you have to go. Know what I mean? EDITOR - Sandbaggers are evil? BAGASAN - The perception of us is all wrong. You have it backwards. Evil spelled in reverse is L-I-V-E. We live to the fullest. Now what is really evil is all those crybabies out there who complain about us sandbagger's taking their money... that's evil. They are tying to take away our livelihood. We would die if we couldn't obtain money to buy homes, cars, put food on our tables, clothe our children, play craps, shoot trap. You don't hear us sandbaggers writing the editors complaining about those evil selfish whining trapshooters out to give us a bad name do you? EDITOR - That's true. But... BAGASAN - Now let me finish, good sir. The shooting sports industry at large simply do not recognize the achievements of sandbagging. We don't get trophy's for ripping off people's option money, fixing a shoot or slashing tires and... ah, back up a minute here. I just want to say we are very talented. Now I ask you good sir, when do we get our due recognition we rightfully deserve? You know... it hurts our feelings every time we read and hear our name maligned in the magazines, "Sandbaggers did this. Sandbaggers did that." Hey, wake up...we have feelings too! For this sport to survive we must learn to live together. Like a marriage, it's a give and take relationship. You give, we take.... and everybody's happy! It's those poor-sports out there ruining it for everyone. What's the problem here anyway? Everybody likes to go shopping and spend money. That's the joys of life... to spend money. Trapshooters are simply spending money when we take their money. We're merchants! I even have a Honest Business Bureau plaque on my wall. Cost me $400 a year for that thing. It's proof of my integrity. EDITOR - Integrity? Rewarding theft, lies, deceit? Why should sandbaggers be so honored? BAGASAN - Because we admit we cheat. It's a fact. We just use excuses to loop-around the rule book. Loop-holes are perfectly legal... and that's a fact. EDITOR - And you should be honored? Recognized for your skills of deception and fraud? BAGASAN - That's a start and why not? It's an art form. Sandbagging is hard work and often embarrassing and we risk expulsion from the shooting organizations if we get caught. We shoot under tremendous pressure to miss targets we know we can hit. You try it sometime and see if you can do it. EDITOR - I am seeing the light. What more could a sandbagger do to win a shoot? BAGASAN - Ahhh, we are extremely creative souls. Like those emergency phone calls you often hear over the intercoms? Well, that's us. It's a fine way to make a shooter late for his squad, keep him out of the shootoff or just make the bugger worry like heck. Anything to win is our motto! Now, with humility, I'm the one who organized the Doggy Game. EDITOR - Doggy Game? I don't follow. Please elaborate. BAGASAN - The caliber of shooters is rising due to the increase in shooting clinics and books about trapshooting. It threatened to take a huge chunk of our purses. So I organized the Doggy Game. It's really simple. We have specially trained dogs that howl all night long and we just bring them along in our motorhomes and let them sing till the sun rises. I love animals, they are so obedient and faithful! If you deny a man of sleep... you'll certainly get his wallet. EDITOR - You? Sandbaggers are responsible for that? BAGASAN - (big satisfied grin) Great, huh? From now on... nobody sleeps! EDITOR - How do you sandbaggers sleep then? Ear plugs? BAGASAN - Now c'mon, now. We don't stay in those rigs. We use hotels. Those parking lots at the trapshoots have gone to the dogs! Management needs to do something about the dog problem. Until then... EDITOR - You're the ones who instigated the entire thing. It's not management's problem. BAGASAN - Ain't our problem. We don't hear them howling beasts all night long, now do we? EDITOR - You realize what you are saying is going into the magazines and Web sites worldwide? BAGASAN - It doesn't scare us. I can deny every word. Who can prove what these days? Sandbagging is a covert operation. You can see yet still can't detect us. We are very good at what we do. We know how to deal with management, use loopholes in the rule books. When was the last time you saw a sandbagger sanctioned for wrongdoing? It' don't happen. And if it does we get off easy. So print what you want. We have no fear of discovery or exposure... in fact we glory in it! EDITOR - What's that? That bronze pin you wear. BAGASAN - What? This here? Oh, it's my Exalted One pin. It's really nothing. You have to have cheated people out of their money at least fifty-thousand times to get one. EDITOR - Fifty-thousand trapshooters? BAGASAN - No big deal. Look, this here is my gold one. EDITOR - A hundred and twenty-five thousand? BAGASAN - I'll be getting my platinum pin next year. Don't ask, the figure is much higher. Now cheating is easy. In fact, it was my great, great, great, grandfather in London that first invented the intimidation of the puller/scorekeeper. Sometimes a clenched fist works, and other times we have to flatten a few tires (twisting horseshoes in the old days and breaking wagon spokes). It's a thrill I still have since I was a kid. I don't think I could live without getting my hands dirty once a month or so. It's in my blood to see other people lose money. The Bagasan clan goes way back even further to the Roman days. But that's a different story. I'm related to Barrabas. Did you know that? EDITOR - Okay, you're a cheater. Any remorse? BAGASAN - Remorse? Where's my dictionary... ah, here, hmmm. Heck no! Like I said, I'm proud of myself. Look at this absolutely fabulous home I have. Earned it all from trapshooting. Oh, how I love that sport! Another trick we like is pre-squadding. We plant ourselves among the sheep and intentionally screw-up the squad rhythm. (laughing) It's so much fun! Sure we shoot low scores on the smaller shoots. And we pay our dues of ridicule we get from other shooters snickering at us as if we are some space aliens or something. Then we turn on our skills on the big shoots and take their money (laughing hard). It's a hard life but a good life. EDITOR - How do you escape capture from the ruling bodies? BAGASAN - Sometimes we get caught and we get suspended. Just a hand slap. Then we're back like the Terminator! We take full advantage of the gullible. Don't get me wrong, I love gullible people! EDITOR - Can you tell us what it feels like to be a sandbagger? BAGASAN - It's a difficult life to live. Here, I wrote this poem; THE SANDBAGGER'S PLIGHT A Poem by; Clarence Bagasan III The day is bright though my load is never light; The sandbags on me belt sway gently as people flight. I am alone, abandoned and desolate in my trapshooting game; Scorned and despised by greedy money-losing lamebrains. I had friends upon a time till they ran out of cash; Tis the only reason they failed to last. It's been a good life, yes good thank's to you, my mortgage paid; I rest on my guilded pillow of gold as I comfort my maid. Yea I yearn for the day sandbagging pays; One friend, just one measly friend I cannot rob I pray! Though a true sandbagger can never be afraid I resolve this day. My life ruined, just me and my trap shotgun, I fear I'm done; But surely I say stealing money was gloriously fun! EDITOR - It's a beautiful poem. (wipes eyes) No conscience? BAGASAN - I'm afraid not. EDITOR - Tell me more about specific cheating techniques. BAGASAN - For example, we case a joint first with our eyes and ears and watch management's facial expressions when the event begins. On the first squad or so we have our homeboy shooting illegal loads just to see if management is on the ball or not. If they are brain dead we bring out our hot loads. If we get a bad reaction and our homeboy is punished we switch back to our 3-dram copper-plated shot (sometimes nickel plate) and go to work. We also watch the scores very closely and we know which shooters are tying up for a shootoff. We do our homework! No one can say a sandbagger is lazy, nobody! Our homeboy's will tie up the scores too and we'll make sure our fellow competitors receive lousy targets. We'll machine-gun the squad and make them miss targets, among other things. But first we make certain we plant negative thoughts in their ears prior to the shootoff. "Oh, Billy Boy just ran 600-straight in handicap this month and he's going to shootoff with these fools." That plants valuable seeds of destruction into the minds of the weak sheep... then we clip 'em. EDITOR - Why bother to tie up the scores if you guys shoot so well? BAGASAN - We can't fool the pros. They take the big money and we can't game them boy and girls. They don't like us anyway so we don't shoot with 'em. They are a very greedy bunch as they do not want to share any money with us sandbaggers. It's been a long feud ever since my great, great, uncle was caught putting some low-velocity shells in a pros box of shells. They didn't like that one bit. EDITOR - So, don't ever pick up a box of shells that is left behind? BAGASAN - Best not to. It could ruin our plan and cost us money. We had to shove a solid steel slug in a shell and plant it in a diaper bag to beat this one guy we couldn't outshoot... and we were losing money bad. We blew up the barrel on his gun and we then won the shoot. It wasn't easy but we pulled it off. EDITOR - That's criminal! You could have killed that man! BAGASAN - Not really. We know how to custom design shells to burst barells without injuring the shooter. You can buy these shells from me for $100 each. But, accidents can happen. However, one must first be caught. Which is why you will notice your eyes are a bit watery. I'm afraid you can't leave this home alive. Don't worry, it's painless. EDITOR - Aaaghghghgh!!!! BAGASAN - You didn't sip enough wine. Take a big swig now... there you go. Another. See? Not a peep from you now. You know? Us sandbaggers are really not bad, it's just that people don't understand us. Mr. Clarence Bagasan III is not related to anyone you know and any similarities is purely coincidental.
A FIRESIDE CHAT WITH... SIR BARTHARLEMEW DUSTBALLER (THE KNIGHTED ONE) For those who do not not who this man is, I am proud to introduce the world's most excellent professional trapshooter. He never misses targets! I interviewed him at his castle in London's filthy rich Holland Park neighborhood. Let's find out the secrets how not to miss targets... EDITOR - My golly, Sir Bartharlemew, the fireplace fire is so hot it's smoking your shirt! SIR BARTHARLEMEW - Way I like it, nice 'n toasty. Call me, Sir. I'm clad in informal attire. EDITOR - I am impressed with your trap shooting achievements. You have always been my hero. SIR - Abso-bloody-lutely I'm all of a twitter, yeah, chuffed. I may blubber. EDITOR - Could you speak American English if you could? SIR - Cheers, thanks a lot. I'll try. It's bumpy in here. EDITOR - You think it's cold? Your shirts on fire! SIR - So it is, so it is. Bugger-all. Maybe you translate, yeah? EDITOR - Okay, I'll (parenthathise) the meaning of your words. You were Knighted by the Queen of England for never missing a trap target in ten-years. SIR - Private affair. Backhanded (bribed) the bit of fluff (attractive lady). Trap shooters are considered balderdash (nonsense) to the beak (magistrate). EDITOR - Tell us the secrets to great trap shooting. So many shooters need your advice. SIR - Most shooters are balls-up (confused) barking mad (crazy) berks (stupid). EDITOR - That's insulting! SIR - It's the daunting truth they shoot browned-off (bored) clapped-out (worn out) clodhoppers (clumsy) cloth-ears (poor hearing) crackers (crazy) fools. And I ain't daft (stupid). Want a fag? (cigarette). EDITOR - No, the house is full of smoke from your shirt. So, how do we become pros? SIR - Dog's bollucks! (something good) it's all about dosh (money) do the dirty (play mean trick) on the other players. EDITOR - You mean you rig the entire thing? Cheated to be Knighted? Lied to the Queen? You're a mucky pup? (soiled person) SIR - Easy-peasy (simple) except for the filth (police) and grass (informers) other than that it's money for jam (easy job). At that moment Sir Bartharlemew erupted into flames. I barely escaped. The hospital said he'll survive. It appears he's shot so many hot shells over his lifetime he can't stand the cold anymore. I wonder if we'll ever meet him again to learn the secrets of never missing targets? I believe he was fibbing us. Bartharlemew Dusballer is still my hero! Even though he's hard to understand with his British dialect. Mr. Bartharlemew Dustballer is not related to anyone you know and any similarities is purely coincidental.
THE SHEER DISGUST OF TRAP SHOOTING Critics are valuable resources to give us a balanced perspective on the world and there are no better Master Critics than, Mr. Tobias and and his wife Penelope Crabber. The Crabbers, from the country of Vulgaria, have won every conceivable gossip awards and I am honored to bring this interview to you, even though they charged $10,000 for the privilege. EDITOR - Good day Mr. and Mrs. Crabber. BOTH - What's so good about it? Did you bring the money? EDITOR - Yes, here. You can count it. MR. CRABBER - You bet I will. Mr. Tobias Crabber counts the money six times yet still appears suspicious and counts again. EDITOR - So, you have critiqued the sport of trap shooting. What did you find? MR. CRABBER - I hate the sport and so does my wife. We hate all sports anyway. It's our job. MRS. CRABBER - Honey, don't be so critical. Shut-up! Let me do the talking. Now, trap shooting is a disgusting sport. People walking around with shotguns cradled in their arms like cherished babies smiling. MR. CRABBER - Yeah, what gives them the right to be happy in this miserable world? MRS. CRABBER - Shut your trap, Tobias! I'm warning you! Nobody wants to hear your negative attitude now bug off. Yes, trap shooting should be outlawed for it is evil. I saw a man and a woman hug and kiss each other as they held their shotguns. What message are we sending to our youth? MR. CRABBER - Shotgun weddings, that's what! Mrs. Crabber twists Tobias ear 360 degrees in reverse. He didn't yelp. It must have hurt! MRS. CRABBER - A bunch of fun-loving people looking for more fun. It's so disgusting to see people addicted in such a way as this. People have driven 1,000 miles just to attend one of those big trapshoots. Wasting precious fuel resources for what? To have a bit of fun? They are destroying our environment putting fumes in the air like they do. A good trapshooter should stay home and save the Earth. MR. CRABBER - It's sex they want. I just know it. Mrs. Crabbers' high-heel penetrated Tobias's shoe and he didn't flinch. It made me cringe to see it. MRS CRABBER - People think we are disgruntled crabs, but we are not, really. We see the truth underlying the exterior view. It's the motives we see in trapshooter's that is teaching our generation of youth the horrors of money. Yes, trapshooters are making money, teaching our youth to gamble and carouse for women. Why, some of these big shoots are in Las Vegas and Reno, Nevada... sin cities! MR. CRABBER - With lots of sex going on too! Mrs. Crabber does something to Tobias I cannot tell you. It must have hurt. Terribly so! I head something POP! EDITOR - You have anything good to say about trap shooting? MRS. CRABBER - Yes. It's good for nothing! I suppose if you call being happy, socializing with people who like you is fun then I believe you will go to Hades when you pass on. The Devil knows how to have fun. MR. CRABBER - I love it when you say that, baby! Mrs. Crabber removes a large waffle pan from her purse and batters Tobias silly. He seems to enjoy it! He's a sick puppy! EDITOR - I see you love each other very much. MRS. CRABBER - Yes. We do. She pelts him on the side of the head with a hard slap. Tobias smiles as he stumbles about the room. EDITOR - So, you wouln't recommend trap shooting for anyone? MRS. CRABBER - I think ping-pong would be a better sport. Trap shooting is an addiction. We see people at those shoots drinking, eating, acting stupid trying to be happy, but we know they are all victims of those gun club managers who market thier addictive sport to make money. It's such a dishonest business... to addict people with the scourge of 'fun' then make them pay do do it again. MR. CRABBER - It's evil. Mrs. Crabber rises from her chair and kicks Tobias in places no man could stand. He takes it all in stride. EDITOR - Why do you beat on your husband so much? MRS. CRABBER - You don't see him complaining do you? MR. CRABBER - You should see her when she's in a rotten mood! MRS. CRABBER - I'm not as bad a people say I am. I happen to believe in dicipline to maintain the morals of mankind. And this includes you! Mrs. Crabber beat us all up pretty bad today. She doesn't like trapshooters and she plans to assign her female covert converts to the next trapshoot. So, all you guys had better watch out. If it wears high-heels it could be one of them hoping to get you alone to teach you a lesson. Now you know why many trapshooters never see the trapshoot again once they get married. MRS. CRABBER - We are everywhere! And we want YOU! MR. CRABBER - Yeah, and believe you me, you won't even see it coming. They all act so nice, lovey-dovey 'n all and then all hell breaks loose when you say that trap shooting word. Mrs. Crabber's ears twitched like a cat seeking prey and pounced on 'Tobias with a mighty crash. It was a pitiful sight to see I could not bear to observe. The interview ended as I ran out the door. EDITOR - I am not going to the next trapshoot as I truly believe there are undercover females who are conspiring to destroy our wonderful sport by removing members one-by-one with matrimonial vows under pain of punishment for disobedience. For better or worse, so they say. And if you think that's bad, Mrs. Crabbers' four daughters are scouring the planet's trapshoots looking for husbands. It could be you next! So, what is the truth here? It seems Mrs. Crabber has simply told it the way it is. You will have fun, eat too well, smile allot and likely meet that, Mrs. Wonderful, and get beat up pretty bad by a pit-bull in high-heels. And I used to believe all my friends when they loudly bragged, "I do what I want. My wife doesn't tell me what to do." Little did I know they had to 'ask permission' to attend the trapshoot. Could it be true trap shooting has a dark side? That among the smiles are lies? If so, ping-pong could be a viable alternative sport after all. Then again, playing a game with women with paddles in their hand could be dangerous too! |
advertisement TRAP SHOOTER'S DICTIONARY ARE YOU A REAL PRO? Likely not. Do you know why? It's because you don't know the lingo. How can you learn if you can't understand the "special" language pro clay target shooters speak? Well now you can speak to pros and know what in the hell they are saying! If you don't buy this fine dictionary all you will continue to hear is babbling phrases and mysterious terms. Example:: Question: "Dear Sir, what does DTL mean?" Answer: "The line down there has dead targets but you bloody well bleep your horn for the first shot score three, or you finish a Depressed Trapshooting Looser or a Dumb Tidy Lunatic. That's DTL. Only Desperate Target Liberals play. They don't like to kill targets so they let'em escape, freeing them from their cages to fly free from their human captors. It's a despicable sport with deranged people who love targets more than their wives. Dumb Target Lovers! Don't bother me kid. Buy the Trapshooter's Dictionary then we'll talk the talk." AND YOU THOUGHT DTL MEANT DOWN THE LINE? You can't be a pro until you talk pro! Example: Question: How do I become a pro? Answer: Shoot ugly definitions and score the girl on the timeline as the saucer launches into apogee, less the crazy zone of quick illusions, with dead-eye to the top bone or swivel your knee angle hard to the raccoon, but watch out for the beaver! SEE? YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND PROS UNTIL YOU READ THE TRAPSHOOTER'S DICTIONARY ! NO MORE GOBLIN' GAB TALK ! NO MORE STUPID EXPRESSIONS ON YOUR FACE ! LEARN THE LINGO... WIN ALL THE MONEY ! HERE'S WHAT READERS SAY... "I read the dictionary and now I can blab-plop the targets with duck juice on the front pole!" "I always thought pros spoke trash baby-talk to intentionally confuse me. But now I know the language and I can bean-jam the bongo with them and crush a comp too with my solidified toe! Thank you. Now I'm a pro!" HERE'S MORE ! "I recommend every clay target shooter get his blab down and fire when the ugly thing looks at ya on the first rise of the rose. If you don't, you're just a loser." "I sprung my first cage, man. I really did! It all happened after reading the dictionary. I'm sold. I can't wait for the next shoot to clobber the mummy on the tummy and shoot-down the uppers on the afterburners! And I'll do it on a negative stroke too!" "Stop fooling yourself. You can't shoot well until you learn pro-talk terminology. Then you'll know what a real boom-boomer really is!" GET YOUR DICTIONARY... BE A PRO ! Only $89 Babbling Brook Publishers P.O. Box ICUP Proland City, Dumfoundland UT OT DTL "Slam it to the slap and swing a wing on the finger trigger. Not the trigger finger... or you scratch it! Listen up if you want to win those big shoots." "Keep your bone up!" "Never look back or you freeze the concoction on the ring." "Port hard and backbore the target." "Be ugly. Be very ugly. Never give the beast a turkey." |
| Who is Dr. Albert Shushnookie? He is your doctor! Every trap shooter, sooner or later, will need medical attention to manage his/her addiction. Yes, trap shooting is a horrible addictive illness as you will soon see... your future! David Highwad Klutz, a fantastic DTL, single barrel Trap and Olympic shooter enters, Dr. Shushnokie's office. He's scared, holding his shotgun with bright white knuckles. He wears black-rim glasses revealing bulging eyes as large as Easter eggs. Something is clearly wrong with this guy. His wife, Darlene, struggles to take the gun away. DR. SHUSHNOOKIE Welcome my children. Have a seat. They sit. Darlene's foot taps the floor in anger. David hugs his gun as, Dr. Shushnookie, strolls about the room. With one quick flash of the hand he snatches the gun from David. Darlene smiles as tears well up in David's eyes. DARLENE This is not the man I married! DAVID Give me back my gun. David slumps to the floor crouched in a fetal position sniffing a Winchester hull. Darlene grabs the hull but gets bitten. DARLENE I'm not going to tolerate this anymore! DR. SHUSHNOOKIE Calm down, both of you. Dr. Shushnookie chucks the gun out the window. A crash of breaking glass, a car horn and a scream echoes. Darlene grabs David by the collar forcing him to sit. DAVID I'm not nuts. I'm... I'm just a trap shooter. All my friends are this way. DR. SHUSHNOOKIE Of course they are, David. Darlene nods her head approvingly. DR. SHUSHNOOKIE And you want to get well, David? DAVID Well? Well of what? Trap shooting? No way, man! I love trap shooting. It's my whole life, my reason for being that which I am. It's my identity. DARLENE What about me? DAVID What about it? Darlene leaps out of chair, pulls David to the floor by the hair, kicks and screams. DARLENE You promised to cherish me! DAVID Doctor, help! Get her off of me! Shushnookie intervenes. They all sit staring at each other with deep suspicion. DR. SHUSHNOOKIE Give me the hull, David. David hugs his hull to chest, wags head. DARLENE Give it to him! David hugs hull tighter. DR. SHUSHNOOKIE Would you like a cookie, David? David nods. Shushnookie hands over a cookie. As David takes it, Shushnookie snatches the hull. DAVID Aw, man. You cheated me. David flings cookie to Darlene, removes an Express hull from his back pocket and lovingly hugs it. DARLENE My house is full of hulls, wads, shot, gun powder -- DAVID It is not! DARLENE It is too! DR. SHUSHNOOKIE Shut-up. Both of you. Silence among the lambs. DR. SHUSHNOOKIE What's it going to be, David? Your marriage or trap shooting? DAVID Trap shooting. DARLENE You son of a ____! Darlene crashes her chair over David's head. Ow! DR. SHUSHNOOKIE Give him another whack. DAVID Hey? Who's side you on? Darlene crashes another chair over David's back. David screams and runs out of the room. DAVID I'm normal, man. You guys are nuts! Darlene and Dr. Shushnookie gaze into each other's eyes and hug. The end. There is no cure for trap shooting. A man will give up his wife in a flash if he had the chance to hit the road to shoot the circuit. All those "chain shoots" tempt him day and night in his dreams, little clay targets bursting in air like fireworks. The smell of nitroglycerin in the air is perfume only a trap shooter can appreciate. But there is a flip-side to the coin. If it were not for trap shooting, marriages would last forever... and many a lonely doctor would never marry. Lucky Dr. Shushnookie! Have you seen your doctor lately? |
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GET YOUR MASTER'S DEGREE The Trapshooter's Ivory Tower College SANDBAGGER'S INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY! Enroll now... learn the art of missing targets just like the pros! Learn how to read traps with interrupters! Develop winning cheat loads. Learn the "magic" of intimidation to raise your score when you really need to win! Learn the psychology of looking innocent so no one will suspect you are sandbagging! Professional sandbaggers know how to win... when they want to win. They know when to lose when winning will give them a classification or handicap disadvantage... you can too! Learn how to recognize the "secret agents" who stalk sandbaggers to expose them! Learn how to make female trapshooters nervous so you can outshoot them! Discover who your friends really are... learn the secret signals and signs sandbaggers use to identify each other! Classes fill quickly... enroll now! SANDBAGGER'S INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY P. O. Box CU47 Reno, Nevada Enroll now and get a free pull on our slot machine! |
!!! TRAP SHOOTING NEWS !!! Santa Clause runs 100-straight at Texas Summer Shoot! Santa had a tough time shooting-off with the Easter Bunny, but won clean when a diamond-back rattler disturbed the concentration of the bunny! However, somebody bent the skis on Santa's sleigh and he couldn't make it to the Alaska State Shoot. The bunny made it and won! It was reported tiny Elves placed the snake near the bunny, but could not be confirmed.
Six AA 27-yard shooter's disqualified! Six innocent shooters who won the Alabamy State Shoot were deemed unqualified for cheating and remanded to return all trophies and prize money. The six shooters left the country and are expected to be hiding out in London's underground trap shooting clubs. A known sandbagger filed the written complaint, co-signed by other renowned sandbaggers, to disqualify the winners. Not surprisingly, the sandbaggers unofficially won the event. They have pleaded with America's Most Wanted to hunt down the culprits who stole the prizes and money. The show will air on national TV this week! If you have any information that leads to the arrest and conviction of these six trap shooters a $10,000 reward is offered. Call, Sergeant, Bill Arrester, at 800-442-9974. You may even accuse others who have beaten you out of trophy and monies this year and the FBI and Scotland Yard will pay the scoundrels a little visit.
ELVIS SEEN TRAP SHOOTING! Trapshooters in Biloxi, Mississippi, reported they saw Elvis practice shooting as the moon rose on the opening night of the Midnight State Handicap Championships. A bottle of whisky was found in the back pocket of these trapshooters which leads us to believe the sighting may have been a delusion. The shooter's swear they saw Elvis dressed in jewel-studded white show clothing breaking every target thrown. One shooter even had an autograph! "Elvis lives!" cried the trapshooters. The reporter found no evidence at the scene. Police did find footprints in the soil, but it was determined they were, Big Foot's, not Elvis's.
EEL RIVER TRAP CLUB THROWS PURPLE TARGETS! "It was a good shoot!" claimed the President of the world famous, Eel River Trap Club, Massachusetts. "Nobody could hit the targets except us club members. We took all the trophies!" The reporter has discovered there are no rules to discourage the tossing of "strange" targets, so more and more clubs are catering to their own membership by giving members a clear advantage. "Our members pre-squad and we make sure they get our standard orange dome targets. Then we load the houses for the other shooter's with purple, white, green, orange and black targets. You should see the faces on the shooters when they see a rainbow of colors flying out of the house. Hee! Hee! Everyone had lots of fun at this shoot! All except the losers, of course. Just wait until we have our, Halloween shoot!"
SIXTY TRAPSHOOTERS DEMONSTRATE - VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT! A melee of grand proportions ensued when the restroom was closed at the, Chimney Downs Shooting Grounds, in England. "They are making a buggery mess of the place and I have to clean it up!" said the club's Janitor. The club manager held his ground and ordered the restroom closed. "The shooters need to be reminded restroom privileges are not stated in the membership criteria and abuse will not be tolerated." Rolls of T-paper were exchanged in a nasty way and the Bobbies were called to put down the insurrection. The sixty-trapshooters were found to be from America. "We didn't do nothing wrong. One guy forgot to flush and all hell breaks loose!" said one trapshooter from, California. "Yeah, we get blamed for upsetting their 'mood' by that un-flush. That's the excuse they used to kick us out for winning!" The janitor wags his head, "Never in my bloody career have I seen the likes of disgruntled whiners. I found two cigarette buts on the bathroom floor!" A fight broke out with T-paper painting the skies and the participants. The reporter ran for his life but was knocked to the ground with a roll of T-paper with a box of ammo stuffed inside. Until further notice, the restroom is closed.
FLASHING NOW BANNED SAY'S ABT RULING BODY! Flashing moons at other shooters as an attempt to distract them when shooting-off is now banned. "The ruling agency has taken up the sword on this and we will discipline any shooter who violates the rule." say's, Jacob Filbert II, of the Automatic Ball Trap Association. "It is high time the ABT shooter's behave themselves in a respectable manner and to stop doing what the DTL and ATA trapshooter's are doing... mooning other shooters! We are the Continental shooters, not a bunch of 'wobbly' shooters as we are often called." Heavy picketing was seen today as the ruling was finalized. All the picketers wore no pants. The Constables were called and arrested them. By the second hour, they returned on bail and danced in circles singing, "Let us dance to the moon!" The ABT Association claims they may need to make some exceptions to the new rule due to a heavy drop in membership. Mr. Filbert II, sadly proclaims, "It's unfortunate and quite disturbing trap shooting has come to this." |
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MORE NEWS ! THREE GUNS BROKEN SANDBAGGERS BLAMED Moments before the handicap shootoff three of the contestants guns were found broken. "The triggers were yanked right out of the guns." say's the club manager. "We know sandbaggers has something to do with this but our video camera wires were snipped. The shooter's couldn't make the call and lost the event to three sandbaggers!" "That's not fair." claimed one sandbagger, "We didn't do nothing wrong but win another shoot, that's all we done wrong!" The sandbaggers deny any allegation of cutting video camera monitors, removing the video tape or destroying the guns. "It's funny. Each time these three guys show up triggers get broken, barrels bent, ribs snapped, shells are switched, every dirty trick happens." say's one of the losing shooters. The sandbaggers claim they are being wrongly accused and demand the respect they deserve, "I've been shooting trap targets for thirty years and I'm still on the twenty-yard line. People think I'm sandbagging, but I just can't shoot well all of the time. I get lucky sometimes, that's all." "Trapshooter's get nervous when those guys show up." explains the Field Captain, "Bad things happen wherever they come or go." The sandbaggers, when asked to respond quoted in harmony simultaneously, "It's a coincidence" and walked away with their trophies.
MYSTERY MAN RIDES INTO SHOOT DASHES AWAY WITH THE MONEY A lone man on a ragged mare galloped into the, Mystery Hills Gun Club, Mystery, Oregon, grabbed a loaner gun and ran every target thrown out of the house at the 27-yard line! He took his prize money and galloped away. Some say it was the ghost of Billy the Kid. A few believed they recognized him to be a top-gun DTL shooter from, England. Others say it was an ATA Hall of Fame shooter in disguise. "We'll never know. All we know is he wiped out our perfect-fifties monies and we wish him well, whoever he is." say's Bill Clark, President of the gun club. As we were leaving, two drunken trapshooters exited the woods claiming they just saw, Annie Oakley, playing bag pipes. They don't call this the Mystery Hills Gun Club for nothing!!!
TOP GUN BANNED FROM SHOOTING Billy Deadeye, Oklahoma's top shooter was again found with a stolen gun and banned from shooting in the state forever. "It's the pits." say's Billy. "I found the darn thing in the parking lot and was going to return it to the clubhouse when those sandbaggers grabbed me and accused me of stealing their gun. It's how they get rid of the competition!" Club management refused to comment on the decision. The shooter whose gun was stolen commented, "These good shooters are quick to hide under the shield of professionalism, but we all know they steal our money and things. Ol' Billy just got caught, that's all." Billy had to be physically restrained hearing those words. "You lyin' sack a sand... you planted that gun. You set me up!" We asked the club manager to investigate further. He stared at us coldly, shook his head and walked away, limping. Billy cried out, "They beat on him, man. I know they did. He never limped before! Get back here and tell the truth." Billy's ride to jail arrived by two smiling officers. "Don't pick up guns in the parking lot!" Billy warned, as his head bumped the sill of the cop car when the constable pushed his head a bit too hard. As the cruiser trailed a cloud of dust on the gravel road, we could hear Billy kicking the windows and screaming. It sounded like, "Sandbaggers have infiltrated" or something like that. At that moment the accused sandbaggers' smiled, toasted a victory, and went on to shoot the wins for the day! This serves as a warning to all trapshooters. The gun you have in your hand had better be yours or you'll be Billy's celly! |
DON'T SUFFER... GET HELP ! Are you depressed over your scores? Do you suffer headaches and constant worry? Stress? Anxiety? Frustration? Shell shock flinching? Sadness? Extreme guilt? WE CAN HELP YOU ! Maybe you are trying too hard, placing unrealistic burdens upon your shoulders. Why beat up on yourself? Trap shooting should be fun, but you have made it a hell of your own making. Wouldn't it be nice to attend a trap shoot with a big bright gleaming smile on your face? Well, now you can! JOIN THE NEGATIVE THINKING CLUB We Nurture Your Failures! You'll be in good hands and in good company with real people who know what it's like to lose. No longer will you have to tolerate happy optimistic people! Yes. We will remove all your desires to win trophies and money so you can enjoy trap shooting... like it was really meant to be... fun! HERE'S WHAT MEMBERS HAVE TO SAY... "Ever since I joined I have found great friends who have taught me how to lose with a smile. Bless you all!" "I have learned to enjoy my nightmares and I sleep much better now." "Took me only one hour to realize my destructive behavior was the true source of my happiness. I shoot so lousy I feel great!" "Happiness is being unhappy." "My childish behavior and pouting really helps me to shoot a fanatically fun game of target shooting. I've learned how to lose with pride." "Thank you! I needed a good dose of pessimism in my life." "I love you! Your teachings keeps my husband guessing what mood I'm going to be in, and all talk of divorce has ended! He's now afraid of me. You people are bizarre and I love it!" LET YOUR LIFE BE A TRAGEDY ! Stop Fighting Fate ! Will You Join With Us ? We are dedicated to your complete unmitigated happiness. Don't suffer alone. Why shoot well and be hated and despised by all the losers? Stop being the outcast and enjoy your trap shooting. Stop being a threat to others and you'll gain many more new friends. Let the pros live miserable lives. Not us! Not you! Not anymore! Write us for our free brochure, "Learning to Lose and Loving It!" Negative Thinking Association P.O. Box 000, Badlands, Utah 87551 |
"I was thinking about taking a positive thinking course. Then I said to myself, "What the hell good would that do? Stephan Wright |
DANGER... DANGER... DANGER... DANGER... DANGER... DANGER... A WARNING TO ALL TRAP SHOOTERS Hello, I am Doctor Phillip Garterbelt, psychiatrist. This message is to inform you of the perils of shooting clay targets... hazards those clay target associations do not want you to know! I want to help you. First, this clay shooting sport is a disease of bountiful proportions ruining the lives of many men and women. As a psychiatrist I see the carcasses of wrecked human misery seeking treatment from this so-called sport of trap shooting. The disease is real and you may be its next victim. Let's find out... TAKE THIS TEST
If you have answered yes to any of the above you need help! Get away from the shotgun for it is an evil addicting device... it's the needle of the trapshooter junkie! Here's more...
BUT THERE IS MORE ! Now these are not all of the evils trap shooting can do to you and ruin your life. You may be suffering from; anxiety, worry, excessive cussing, anger, jealousy, hatred of losing money. If you find yourself gazing for long periods of time at score sheets you are losing your mind! The real crazy ones hang out by the score sheets just starring into space as life's clock ticks by. Or you may find yourself roaming from one vendor's tent to another just gazing, never buying. This is called window shopping, my friend, and women do these things. Can't you see how trap shooting has changed you? You may even find yourself examining shotguns, mounting them when women are walking about in shorts. Wake up! MY DEDICATION TO YOUR WELLBEING I have dedicated my career to help the clay target shooter resolve many of the difficulties and tribulations trap shooting has caused. My life is dedicated to you. If you have health care insurance give me a call and let's talk. I will be your friend. Don't forget to bring your insurance I.D. card, okay? Dr. Phillip Garterbelt, psychiatrist. Call 1-098-454-8720 A sound mind is a healthy mind. Let my healthy mind heal yours! If you have no medical insurance do not call. |
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TRAP SHOOTER NEEDS HELP Last year at the Grand a man broke my arm. I just discovered that he stole my watch. I have to report this to the police authorities. If you witnessed this event please come forward so I can get my watch back. Billy Babblestone: 555-443-66231 |
CHIROPRACTIC CAN HELP YOU! Are you a competition trap shooter? If so, I can screw up your game good! Hello. I'm not reality, but my friends call me, Dr. Gracious Leonardo Lovable Pay. Let me tell you what chiropractic can do for you. For $30 I'll give you a complete chiropractic bone and joint exam then I'll put you into a state of deep relaxation to the point you can't resist me. Then I'll jump your bones and make you feel pain like you've never experienced before in your life! Guaranteed! AND THERE'S MORE... You will get a strong fever from the bone crunching session, and your insurance will pay my bills so you don't have to. Neat, huh? Your neck will make cracking noises for the rest of your miserable life, and your back will hurt something fierce too! All this for only $30! But I will give you temporary relief... I'll perform corrective adjustments but take you only just to the point of being healed and stop right there so you have to keep coming back again, and again, and again. You benefit from this as your boss has to let you off work early for medical reasons. Think of it as recreation! Plus, it's good medicine to have a doctor as a friend to visit. I can be your friend to enhance your social life. I promise you will be visiting me often and I'll be available for you... not like your other friends who stand you up! I will listen to your sad stories and give you a good shoulder to cry on when you miss targets due to your neck and back injuries. Once your insurance has approved your injury and pain for treatment payments, I will then schedule you for 350 office visits. Yes, this may disrupt your life having to see me three times a week for many years, but think of your health! It's the only way to get well again! Trust me, I know what I am doing. From the bottom of my little heart I have your best interest in mind. I want to see you get well but it takes time... a lot of time... and a lot of money! But don't worry about money. I won't lay a hand on you unless my office staff first verifies you have valid health care insurance. Trust me! AND THERE'S MORE... I don't spend big money for nothing in these huge expensive media advertisements. I use them to get new customers. People just like you who are fine and healthy but want a routine preventative health examination. You see, advertising works. You would never have thought of me before until you read this ad! Look, the bottom line is this. I run these ads to make money. I have to earn a living and if I have to hurt you to turn you into a repeat-paying customer I'll do it! Other doctors do it so I'm not all that bad! But I'm not selfish... with the damage I will do to your body I will have given you the perfect excuse for missing targets! "My back hurts so I couldn't concentrate." "Joint pains kept me up all night and I can't shoot well at all." These are the perfect excuses and you can have them for only $30 exam and chiropractic adjustments to your neck, spine and other joints you didn't even know existed until you feel them throbbing with pain. Think of it as educational. Soon you'll be able to sip tea and whimper about your aches and pains with the best of them! Finally you can fit in with the crowd. Miserable people do not like happy people. Do you want to be rejected by these people? Of course you don't. BUT WAIT, THERE IS EVEN MORE... If you bring this ad with you I'll even give you a coupon for a free adjustment on your birthday! Dr. Pay cares about you so much I will even give you instructions and advice on how to ease your pain without using drugs. Did you know that if you take vitamin pills and drink pure mineral-free water it disolves pain? It can. Did you know I can cure you of drug addiction? Yes, Dr. Pay can if you pay him. No more aspirins, no pain relief ointments or other prescription drugs. Dr. Pay - if you believe the ad you are reading - can create miracles... true miracles, but only if you have health care insurance. Dr. Gracious Pay Wants To Reward You ! Refer a friend to me and I'll give you some cash for your troubles. All under the table so you don't have to pay Uncle Sam, okay? And the more customers you refer to me I'll get you filthy rich too because I love you! That's how I get my great reputation of being the best chiro-bone-buster in this neck of the metropolis. I started my practice in a burg, mastered my deceptive tactics, and now I am the ice burg of this Titanic city of 7-million people. Be a referral agent for Dr. Gracious Pay and you too can get rich quick like me! Do you have a little itsy-bitsy pain sometime? Maybe you woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Banged your elbo or stubbed your toe? When you want pain... come see me! DR. GRACIOUS PAY'S CHIRO HOSPITAL CLINIC Call 04-404-333-22223 Your appointment is ready! Pay Dr. Pay a visit and your insurance company will pay Dr. Pay for you so Dr. Pay can pay personal bills to keep up the lovely mansion Dr. Pay must pay for. |
Disclaimer This is just routine fine print legal stuff. Don't worry about it. Everything will be okay. Dr. Pay is considered to be the beast of the medical industry. A chiropractor who really knows the business like no other. Certainly has it down to a science and a Master of deception! You will come in for a simple risk-free consulting examination and walk out with serious injuries. Insurance documents dates, including your patient record, will be forged without your knowing, to make it all appear legal that you were given proper information to make an informed consent decision to commence treatment. This is to protect Dr. Pay if you try to sue or report Dr. Pay to the medical board or District Attorney as a quack operating a fraud scheme. Sinister devices will be used on you to numb the mind and body to force you to submit to unwanted medical procedures. You will be lied to, told to return to see Dr. Pay to obtain the results of exam and quickly switched into a treatment phase through the use of mind-disabling devices under the guise of massage! You may even be placed in a room alone to stare at a clock or some other audible device to wipe your mind of any distrust of the doctor and to place your consciousness into a state of total submission. Things will happens so fast and so smoothly you'll later be wondering what the hell took place!? You will be injured. It will be performed illegally legal... just altering and forging a few medical file documents and you are dead meat, buddy! And you can't prove the alterations were performed illegally as a fraudulent intent. Dr. Pay has it all figured out to a science. It's all a reality you can live with and you will live with it despite you being victimized by a con-artist doctor who isn't even a real doctor! But you'll see Dr. Pay's ad with the title, Doctor! It's legal deception as Medical Boards' approve of such deception! You can go to your "real doctor" who is a MD Medical Doctor and obtain prescription-strength pain pills too. It's better to get pain relief with medicine than suffer needlessly. You will find Dr. Pay's method of prescribing water and vitamins to be ludicrous and Dr. Pay will deny ever recommending it to you to the District Attorney and Medical Board and in any legal depositions or declarations. Dr. Pay will lie more than you wish to believe a doctor would to cover up wrongful deeds to save Dr. Pay's hide at your expense! When you uncover the scam your $30 will not be refunded. The medical board will reject your complaint based upon the lies and forged documents of Dr. Pay. Dr. Pay's words will be automatically held more credible than you, the victim! No lawyer will take your medical malpractice lawsuit because of the forged documents spoiling evidence and fear of being black-listed by the medical community. If you want to sue? You have to do it yourself! Small Claims court is a viable option so is Superior Court for civil cases. Other doctors will lie to cover the sins of the offending doctor. It's a secret society of the dishonest with supreme honor to the societal If you don't want any of these things to happen to you? Then don't answer Dr. Pay's advertising. If you respond to the ad, you do so at your own peril. Dr. Gracious Leonardo Pay has a prestigious reputation in this great big city and no one would ever dare suspect him of such sinister wrongful activities. The acts are so blatant that when exposed it is hard to believe... and that is how Dr. Pay gets away with it. Nobody will believe you! You will even be called "psychotic" and a "liar" if you dare complain against Dr. Pay by Dr. Pay himself - even though Dr. Pay is not a psychiatrist or a "real medical doctor" and the medical board, who knows better, will agree with Dr. Pay and that's a fact! If you sue Dr. Pay you can't bring in evidence of Dr. Pay's past wrongdoing. It's the law. Unfair, but true. So even if Dr. Pay did this to your wife too or neighbor... none of their testimony can be used to show a policy or trend for the doctor to intentionally injure patients! You can't win. Oh, you may be able to prevail on a pro-per lawsuit for some money for pain and suffering and punitive damages, but you still win a life a pain! No judge or jury can heal the damage Dr. Pay will do to your bones and joints. Dr. Pay will deliver on the promise that your insurance company will pay, Dr. Pay... to make Dr. Pay fabulously rich on your miseries. Once you walk into Dr. Pay's office you will be photographed by a secret camera after Dr. Pay tells you to contort yourself in the exam room. This will be used as evidence that you "complained" of pain when you walked into Dr. Pay's office and here's the proof photo! Despite the fact you simply responding for a routine physical examination not to obtain medical treatments. Every medical record will be altered to reflect your consent for treatment... even patient records Dr. Pay maintains you never seen because you never thought of asking and looking at them. Dr. Pay isn't the only doctor doing these things so don't be so hasty to condemn. Dr. Pay's employees will lie and sign affidavits to make you out to be the liar and claim you said things like, "I want you to treat me for my pain and injury" for fear of losing their jobs from Dr. Pay's wrath and be blackballed from ever working in the medical field again. You will be asked to sign forms with "blank lines" and a few of these critical documents will be "filled in later" behind your back, with a typewriter. Do not sign blank forms and do not go into rooms alone to watch ticking clocks or listen to strange music or be exposed to other devices that stimuli mood changes of any sort. If you do? You are being hypnotized! Then you will be subject to sign any form Dr. Pay commands you to sign and to obey Dr. Pay's commands Then you shall be lead away to your doom so the dirty deeds can begin! This is not trickery... it's just good business. At least for Dr. Pay! Don't worry, none of these things will ever happen. We live in a real world where all doctors cherish their patients and would never put money before the health and wellbeing of their patients. Doctors go to work because they love the long hours and the bills they have to pay; rent, salaries, supplies, and to pay for expensive advertising like you see here, etc. They don't want your money! They are professionals. You are in good hands. Fear not, come see Dr. Pay today! PAIN IS A BLESSING Be thankful you feel pain. The alternative? The dead feel nothing. |
STOLEN HULLS Somebody stole 5,000 AA hulls from my boxcar at the New York City State Shoot at Central Park. I was saving them to sell for my birthday party for next week. If you see anyone with 5,000 hulls for sale please let me know. I just feel terrible about this, don't you? Dick Hoboe : 404-467-99882 |
YOUR STATE PRISON NEED YOU ! WE NEED TRAP SHOOTERS! Greetings trapshooters. As you know state prisons are excruciating corrupt environments where the real criminals are the administrators who should be behind bars! They are the ones who back-stab the prison employees and setup inmates to give false testimony against prison staff who refuse to perform illegal acts of theft. Yes. We have a little theft problem in our prison systems. We have administrators and supervisors who are letting maintenance workers steal supplies from our warehouses to perform renovations on administrators and supervisors own personal homes. It's really a great way to increase the equity value of homes using state materials, supplies and labor. We would like to stop this but frankly, we can't because the corruption is so imbedded so deeply... well, even the Warden and the internal affairs investigators are in on the scams. And, if anybody rats out they get killed or lose their job by being setup by the administrative prison gang. Now, we even tried to get our state investigative agencies and attorney general to attack the problem, but they too have ties to the to secret underworld societies who protect each other... deeper than the Mafia. It's their own sort of Mafia of corruption. My goodness, even the state appointed judges are corrupt! After all, they do work for the state. And these are the guys who want to take your guns away? Nice decent men of good standing? Men you can trust? Look, we know trapshooters are honest and loyal men to the code of ethics. We would like to employ you guys and gals to come into our prison and blow the whistle on these bums who have literally taken over our government. It's going to be a tough job, but you got what it takes. You trapshooters have strong minds and supreme concentration and inner powers to work under pressure. How about it? Now, who is the state? It's supposed to be a government for the people by the people, but that's just a pipe dream. The state is filled with "appointees" people who are appointed by others to fill secure and powerful positions in government. Like Wardens and the supervisors and administrators who get the jobs due to the Warden meddling with the hiring process to insure the "homeboys" get the jobs. That's why you can't get a government job, my friend. It's corruption keeping you out! If you people only knew just how corrupt the state is and our prison system you would scream for justice. There is no decent bone of honesty anywhere to be found except in the pile of carnage of discarded employees who tried to tell the truth, expose the thieves along with those who violated their oaths to the state. The thief who gets caught stealing? Well, the Dept. of Corruption will hire a lawyer for the thief and actually beat the charges! Even overturn the State Personnel Board who recommends adverse action. We have a severe corruption problem, folks. Just check the court file histories of lawsuits pending against the state and you'll see just what in the hell is going on. People caught stealing and never having to pay restitution and keep their jobs! If you are a supervisor or manager or administrator you get special treatment and special protection to save your butt. If you file a worker compensation claim for stress? It will be denied, but administrators who are close to being investigated for crimes stress out and get their approved by psychiatrists who are friends of the inner circle... and are paid well to do so! These are problems that is only the tip of the ice berg. We need trapshooters who will come sacrifice their wellbeing to help stop the corruption. Will you do this for us? Of course you will! This is your chance to be a James Bond Jr., a top secret agent for the people. Get a job in our prison system or any other government job and then report to us everything you see. It's that simple. All you have to do is watch your back! But don't steal anything because that's the system. That's how they get employees dirty so they can then obtain absolute loyalty. They know once you are dirty you will be fearful to report higher-up's as they will rat on you. Birds of the feather fly together. Do not write your politician what you see. They will scorn you as some sort of nut and will buy the government administrator's position that you are out to get a disability retirement or something. It's all cleverly designed to get you in the back door! To stop you from exposing them. Now there are risks involved just like you see in the spy movies. Ex-convicts and other prison gang member affiliates on the street will pay you a visit. You are on your own. Why would convicts do this? Well, administration and the Warden are cutting special deals that if certain services are performed, shotcallers of the prison gangs will get out of the lock-up units and be free to live a normal prison life. Very simple and very effective. Many will be promised transfers to prisons closer to their families and that alone would cause you a ton of grief as the convicts act to win the prize. Public exposure is the only way for the people of this state to take back control of the government and kick out these corrupt administrators, judges and district attorneys. We need trapshooters to do the job. You are the perfect person. Heck, your scores ain't too good anyway so why not end this miserable life once and for all and do some good for a change? Sacrifice yourself and be a hero! If you want to join in on this high-paying assignment meet me at the flagpole in the park when the moon is full and we'll talk. Come alone. Be certain nobody follows you. We are undercover and cannot give you a phone number. I'll see you there. And thank you for your commitment! It's not the convicts that are bad... it's those who lock 'em up! It's not the prison security officers who are bad... it's their bosses! It's not the maintenance employees... it's their boss too! It's not the cook... it's the boss of the food dept! It is the Warden who is responsible! Change the law and let's elect them. No more appointed positions in government. It's the source of all corruption and a loophole to bypass honest government and control for and by the people! STOP THE THEFT AND CORRUPTION... NOW ! ELECT A TRAP SHOOTER ! |
"A man who does not smile is a man who does not know trap shooting." "A woman who does not smile did not meet a trap shooter." "A politician who does not smile is an honest politician." "A child with a golf club is going to break somebody's skull." "A trap shooter who smiles is one with a fistful of dollars and a trophy." "To smile is to show one's teeth prior to the bite." "He who smiles too much appears crazy. Let him be." "He who never smiles is crazier still. Stay clear." "If any of the above made you smile you need a doctor." So be it. |
ARE YOU SUFFERING? SHAME - HUMILIATION - DEFEAT ? OF COURSE YOU ARE... ADMIT IT! Let us help you We are the one, the it, the is and the be. We have all the answers in life and in death and in between and thereafter. We are the rejected ones and the accepted ones. We are we and so can you be us! There is no need to suffer any longer We will teach you how to accept rejection, humiliation, shame and scorn. It's really fun once you learn how to handle it. Why be upset when you can reset? Twist your mind, my friend, and buy a bottle of our little pills and you won't give a hoot who say's what about you. You'll be free at last. These little pills are made of all natural ingredients; skullcap mushrooms, poison oak, serpentine greenstone arsenic, cannabis, poppy milk, snake venom, bee stingers, fire ant teeth and more natural ingredients mixed with special amino acids and herbs from India and the Amazon jungle all in the right proportion for a gentle elevation experience. We call it our, "Skullbone Formula." You won't feel anxiety, stress or grief. In fact you won't feel anything anymore ever again. Pleasant tasting. One dose could do you in good. One dose per day makes all your troubles go away. Send $49 for a 90-day supply to: Rotten Sam's Pharmacy, 222 Redneck Rd., Whackinthehead, Florida 32415
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FREE HULLS I will give you 5,000 free AA-hulls in exchange for one-hundred dollars. Call Billy: 712-445-9823 |
ADULT VIDEOS All must go! Getting married! Call John: 711-345-59913 |
101 EXCUSES So you need an excuse? You'll find them right here in this book, "101 Excuses"
This book also comes with a supply of fake blood and bandages to make the excuse look real. Also, if you order now we will give you a tube of Dr. Ouch's Hemorrhoid cream so the sore butt excuse will work like a dream. One user told us, "Your excuse and hemorrhoid ointment actually got my wife to pamper me... and she didn't even know I wasn't sick! Fantastic job and thank you very much. Enclosed is a check for your broken knuckle kit so I can use it as an excuse for missing targets." DON'T BE A FOOL... GET AN EXCUSE! ORDER YOUR COPY TODAY |
ROCKING HORSE DROPPINGS! Very rare. $43,000. Serious collectors only! Call Billybob: 412-678-98311 |
BE A CERTIFIED COWARD! Only the brave suffer defeat, but a coward breezes through life as a born loser and feels great too! Don't be a hero. Take our coward class and learn how wonderful life can be for you after all! To Enroll Call Jasen Chickenliver: 661-355-559432 A Diploma in Cowardry Will Open Doors to Pure Bliss and Happiness! |
PSYCHIATRIC HELP! Admit it, Trapshooter's are nuts. Get cured! Dr. Clayburn: 775-678-09311 Master & Visa Cards Accepted |
POWER LOADS! 12 Drams, 6,275 fps fast! Will not blow up your gun! No leads on targets! Win the Grand! A special cordite explosive that only measures 3 Drams, but with the power of 12 whopping Drams! Nobody will know you are cheating! Scientist Donald McHarryoz: 991-478-9132 |
SANDBAGGER'S SUPPLY We Have What You Need To Win ! Sandbagger's Supply is dedicated to the fine art of sandbagging and we have the lowest prices, too! Check this out...
CALL FOR OUR COMPLETE SANDBAGGING CATALOG! 101-589-228412 |
| ...NEWS NEWS NEWS... BOWL SMUGGLERS STRIKE AGAIN They did it again! Toilet bowl thieves have hit the Sage Mountain gun club stealing the toilet bowls from restrooms. The club is plagued with false rumors that the porcelain clay used to make the bowls were taken from the Virginia City gold and silver mines. Mr. Woebecky, the club's spokesperson claims, "The cops can't do a darn thing to help us and our insurance company said they won't insure the toilets any more. I just wish this nonsense would stop... there is no gold in the toilets!" We spoke with an underworld character familiar with the incidents and he claims, "There is gold in the toilets otherwise the thieves would not keep stealing them. I've seen the gold myself!" Maybe it's time to find another brand of commode?
CIBLEITIS INFECTS HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS Doctors have finally isolated a name for the dreaded disease clay target shooters contract... Cibleitis! The chief physician of the AMA has stated, "Cibles are clay targets and are very deadly to the mind and soul of the person who is within 1/2 mile of them. These targets (cibles) are producing a drug-like fume stronger than crack cocaine that invades the pectoral section of the human brain and attacks the brain cells. The body rebels from the fumes and produces a strong desire to break the targets thus repeating the vicious cycle. We have no cure for the addiction at this stage and may never find a cure. It is apparent the cible manufactureres have no regard for the addictive nature of their cibles and continue to sell them exposing many to the cible's mysterious fumes." At this point the doctor started smashing the cibles and we quickly left. He was in a terrible mood! This certainly does explain why so many targets are found broken inside traphouses and bunkers... it seems the poor target loaders and setters are being exposed to the cibles and become violently enraged smashing them. We believe a warning should be placed on each cible box, "Danger... do not sniff the cibles!" Once, we found the trapsetters chewing on cibles. We asked them why they were doing this? One said, "I don't know. I just feel like I'm hungry for them. I wish I could stop but I can't." Another said, "You've got to try one. Once you do you can't stop!" Another complained, "I'm addicted to these clay monkeys, man... I need help!" We ask you, "Is there something sinister going on here with cibles? A plot to force target shooters to break cibles through addiction?" Considering the money people spend on trap shooting each year just to break little cibles clearly there must be some sort of fumes they are inhaling! Until further research is conducted, do not bring any cibles home from your gun club as it may infect the entire family and a 1/2 radius of the neighborhood. |
27 YARD BACK FENCE SCHOOL Learn the Attitude! Look like a pro even when you're not! Act like a bad mother and get respect! Look cool even when your heart flutters like a coward! Yes, you deserve better treatment at trapshoots but your not getting it. You should be feared yet none do. Now you can change all this by enrolling in our 27-yard school! Here's just a little bit you will learn...
THE CHOICE IS YOURS. IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER... BE A WIMP OR BE A PRO! ENROLL NOW AND GET THE RESPECT YOU TRULY DESERVE! Call: 555-1232-8885 |
...NEWS NEWS NEWS... SANDBAGGERS BOLDER DARING AND BRAZEN It is bad news for the Ugly Rose Trap Club. Sandbaggers broke in sometime around midnight a month prior to the registered shoot and poured black sand into the shot bags. Sadly, nobody knew it until shooters complained of losing power in their guns and seeing humongous orange flashes from thier muzzles. The black sand, as hard as corundum, scratched the barrells so hard and deep many shooters simply gave up and went home vowing never to return the Ugly Rose club. We heard one shooter say, "They cater to sandbaggers. All of management are sandbag lovers. I won't be back!"
TRAPSHOOTERS FOUND SNOOPING AROUND NUCLEAR MISSILE SITE Cheyenne, Wyoming. Military police reported capturing seven 24-yard handicap trapshooters and six singles shooters snooping about the missile silos at 3am. None were drinking or acting in any party fashion. When captured the shooters claimed they only wanted to see the missiles. Upon further questioning in the secret dungeon, the 24-yard trapshooters ratted out on the singles shooters claiming, "We were forced to assist the singles shooters to take the depleted uranium to make 'super hard shot' so we could win trapshoots." Can you believe this? It's true. It really happened! What lengths will trapshooters go to get a punch or win a trophy? The trapshooters will be sentenced as all pleaded guilty. Throw the book at these bums!
NEW CLAY TARGET MAGAZINE REVEALS THE UGLY TRUTH It's about time! We were due for a good shooting magazine to come along and this one promises to be "real good" too! The monthly magazine will feature tabloid-like articles. Our first review copy featured the scandalous lives of top-gun pros and the secret things they do in their RV's at trapshoots late at night. And you thought that howling was coyotes? Wrong! It's the pros doing things that will raise the hair on your back! You'll never look at a pro again with innocent eyes after reading this magazine! The magazine also revealed the secret society of trap shooting professionals (SSTP) who conspire to win every trapshoot they attend. Could this be the real reason why they win so often? Even photos of well known pro trapshooters were displayed in strange clothing, holding hands, and what appears to be 'chanting' to a candle on a table. Is this the often rumored initiation ceremony to join the SSTP? Or is this simply a harmless social gathering? Get your copy at your supermarket's meat section. |
YARDAGE REDUCTION LESSONS To get your yardage reduced you have to know how to outsmart the ruling body committees. Yes, they are corrupt as they won't just give you the reduction you deserve... you must hoodwink them into believing you are honest... and that's hard to do! They believe everyone who asks for a reduction is a sandbagger. Order my cassette tape and I'll show you all the little low-down tricks you can use to get not one yard, but a 3-yard reduction on your first try! Call Sammy: 121-250-46988 Only $10. |
G-LOCK GUARANTEES YOU WILL WIN OR YOUR MONEY BACK! Stop all the nonsense! Everyone claims to have the ideal product to help you win trapshoots...well the truth is only we have the product that can absolutely guarantee YOU WILL WIN! G-LOCK is a safe yet very powerful medicine designed with time-release ingredients to block the colon like a steel plug! This severe constipation causes the shooter to feel uneasy, light headed, weak-kneed and eyes to fade... just like the G-LOCK forces fighter pilots experience in combat maneuvers! Drop one of these G-LOCK baby's into your competitor's coffee and you have a SURE WIN! Perfect for shootoff's! G-LOCK works or you get a full refund. And you get 20-tablets too so you can win 20-times! Imagine your mantle laced with 20-beautiful trophies! You'll be proud to display your achievements and only you and G-LOCK will know how you really got them! TRAP SHOOTING IS A MIND GAME... WE SAY IT'S A CONSTIPATION GAME... LOCK THE BOWELS AND THE MIND GETS UNTAMED! DONT' SHOOT WITHOUT G-LOCK Call now: 654-3324-7777 $7.95 per bottle of G-LOCK |
...NEWS NEWS NEWS... 27-YARD SHOOTER'S UPSET AT SHORT-YARDAGE SHOOTERS ! Tenty-seven yard shooters at the Tumbling Sagebrush gun club have had enough of the insults from the short and mid-yardage shooter's accusing them of cheating to win. John Winfair explains, "Every time we win they cry and snivel, 'cheater! cheater!'. They can't seem to get it into their thick skulls that we are just better shooters and have earned our way to the back fence." "That's not true!" cried a short-yardage shooter, Tom Loser, "We found and opened up some of their shells and counted the pellets and weighed them and they are using 1,000 zirconium pellets, C-4 blended in the powder and primers packed with mercury fulminate. Nobody can break targets like we've seen them do it... smokeball each target? They are cheaters!" Tom leaped on John's back and started beating on John's spine with his fists. Others jumped into the rumble. When it was all over only the short-yardage shooters were left standing in good shape. "They ain't no better than the rest of us" say's, Tom Loser.
TRAP SHOOTERS TAKING DRUGS NEW RULES NEEDED Police conducted a drug raid at the Pacific Northwest's Big Tree's gun club and found sacks of strange seeds hiding inside shot bags. Upon laboratory testing in Washington D.C. a new species of plant was discovered on the trap field. The chief chemist of the DEA claims, "This new plant we call 'Fumesulfide' is more powerful than LSD and we are concerned. Fumesulfide seems to only grow on trap field for reasons we do not yet know why. It may have something to do with a strange concoction of wads, weeds and bird droppings combining to make a new plant species. The street name for this strange drug is, Cluckyweed. We found Cluckyweed affects the brain's photo image allowing the user to see objects 10-times larger than normal. No doubt, trapshooter's and other clay target shooters, are swallowing these seeds to enhance their scores." Is the drug legal? "Yes" replied the chemist, "It's legal but the shooting associations should take action to prevent cheating until we pass a new law banning the substance." The police made no arrests as the club duly paid all of its tax liabilities for selling the product to consumers. "We were hoping they would have cheated on taxes so we could arrest the bums" claims Police Chief, Sam Sneaky, "But these guys are smarter than Al Capone was. But we'll get them one day, one way or another. We'll be watching them very closely. Sooner or later they will run a stop sign or speed and we'll get them with lots of traffic violations. It's the best we can do to punish them for selling dishonest medicines to foul the honest game of trap shooting." Trapshooter's everywhere will breath a sigh of relief once this drug is outlawed. Until then be suspicious of any trapshooter who wins any event... they may be on Fumesulfide! How can you tell? The DEA claims the shooter will have a happy expression on his face and his eyes will be a bit wider than normal. Isn't that what all trapshooter's look like when they win? Could it be Fumesulfide has been around much longer than we suspected? Could it be the secret the pros use to win trapshoots? A full investigation and drug testing should be conducted! |
YOU READ ABOUT IT IN THE NEWS... YOU SEEN IT ON TV.... NOW YOU CAN TOO CAN USE BIG EYES & WIN TRAPSHOOTS ! We sell the highest purity Fumesulfide money can buy! 100% concentrated Cluckyweed guaranteed! Only BIG EYES brand has the non-pesticide, non-additive all natural ingredients to open up your mind's eye so you can see the targets 10-times larger than normal! 30-day supply only $49.95. YES... NOW YOU CAN WIN ANY CLAY TARGET GAME WITH TOTAL CONFIDENCE AND EASE! ORDER TODAY! & IT'S LEGAL TOO! Note: This drug may soon be banned. Get yours while supplies last. There is a current backorder of 6-months. All your friends are taking Cluckyweed... shouldn't you? Call now: 333-222-11113 |
...NEWS NEWS NEWS... PROFESSIONAL TRAPSHOOTERS UPSET NOBODY LIKES THEM! For the truth in news... you've read it here first! Ohio Headquarters: Pro trapshooters have filed a written complaint listing their grievances and demanding more respect than they currently receive from other shooters. At the meeting a man from Texas rose stating, "When us pros walk by, shooter's should remove their hats and genuflect as we pass by. We deserve this homage!" The crowd of pros cheered so loudly the window's rattled and the sleeping dog woke up. Another professional trapshooter from Oregon spoke up, "It used to be that we never had to buy our own meals. Other shooter's would buy our meals for us. Now we have to buy our own coffee! We need an official rule of professional courtesy! This way we won't feel dejected when we attend a registered shoot." The crowd again rose up in unison and cheered. A pro from Florida addressed the committee, "I've been a pro for 50-years now and most trapshooter's don't even know my name. I motion the committee here and now vote that every gun club demand each shooter to wear a pin with my name on it every time I attend so people know I'm here... and that goes for every pro who attends too!" A deafening roar of applause filled the air. At this point the sleeping dog howled, leaped and crashed through the window. A pro from Nevada stood up and started pounding the table with his fists, "Fine every shooter who does not smile when we are in their presence. Everyone must smile constantly and be sincere about it!" All the pros pounded their fists against the tables and the building shook mightily. We left as the ceiling began to crumble from the awful noise. Now you know what is really going on at those board meetings in Ohio!
TRAP SHOOTER WINS WIFE ! More and more gun clubs are finding success giving away women as top prizes! These ladies want to get married and have donated themselves to be a bride prize. "But there is a problem here!" claimed, John Savage, the man who won, Sarah, his new wife at the Lover's Nest gun club. "They don't put this in the program and then when you win they present you a wife dressed in white wedding gown and a preacher right there on the spot. Problem is, I'm already married! How am I going to explain this to my wife? This is causing me nothing but trouble!" Bill Lame, the president of the club proclaims, "Some married shooter's don't like it, but we have found the bride prize to be very entertaining and successful. It keeps the sandbaggers and other professionals away from our shoot and many single men do attend hoping to win a girl. We are keeping the program as is. The girls like it, too... they win a husband!" An angry woman approached, Bill Lame, screaming and scratching his face, "How dare you $#!% marry off my husband!" We felt it was time to leave and interview the sandbaggers. Bad news is always good news! |
ATTENTION CLAY TARGET CLUB MANAGEMENT We have the perfect suggestion box for you members to voice their opinions. This finished walnut box is unique as it comes with a built-in pen and paper tray so it makes it easy for members to jot down suggestions. So what's so new about that? Read this... When the member takes the pen and paper, sits down and writes his/her long complaint or suggestion he becomes very upset, angry and throws the suggestion away. How? Easy! This box has no "slot" to insert the paper! EVERYBODY WINS! Management gets to keep his members upset and doesn't have to listen to any more suggestions! HERE'S WHAT OTHER CLUB PRESIDENTS HAVE TO SAY... "I love your suggestion box. It let's my members know just how I feel about them." Joe Nononsense Jr. "At first I didn't believe it would work but it did. Your suggestion box eliminated all further suggestions immediately. Never again will I use the old style box with a hole in the top ever again." Mike Noe. "Thank you so very much for this wonderful device. Now I can finally run the club my way!" Bob Noyesfromme. "It's a miracle. The club members haven't spoken to me in months since I installed your suggestion box. It's so peaceful now!" Dave Thesob. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? A PLANET TO FALL ON YOU? ORDER YOUR BOX TODAY Call 110-222-2222-33091 Don't call collect!!! We don't care if your budget is over-extended. Stop shooting all those free targets and maybe the club will have some money to call us and pay for the box. No credit is granted! |
...NEWS NEWS NEWS... ITALIAN SHOOTERS INSTIGATE PIZZA FIGHT Last year it was ravioli, the year before it was rigatoni, now it's pizza... deadly pizza! The Italian Olympic trap boys really started it this year and ended it too. The I-team was competing in England and gave sarcastic looks upon six American O-trap boys and three D-trap girls who retaliated by throwing cold wet noodles at the Italians as they were shooting causing them to miss targets. The Italians came well prepared this year as they have been abused like this in the past... a delivery truck was secretly parked nearby with boiling hot pizzas! The Americans ran as flying pizzas plastered them pretty bad. Two went to the hospital to have cheese removed from their eyeballs and one had to have an operation to remove melted cheese on an unmentionable area. The American girls were in tears as cheese melted in their hair and they couldn't brush it out. This is the a never ending problem in England where shooters feel they can just do what they want to taunt, harass and abuse competitors. Some rules must be established or firecrackers will be thrown next year for all we know, or worse! At least in America rock throwing is allowed, but hot pizza is considered too dangerous! When will the insanity end?
TRAP MEN MUST GET PERMISSION TO SHOOT A survey was recently conducted and published in the International Clay Target Union Journal. The truth is finally out... married men must ask their wives for permission before they attend a trapshoot or any clay target event. For years this has been debated back and forth as male trapshooter's swear they never ask a woman's permission to do anything, never mind trap shooting. Secret cameras were installed in competitors homes and all were caught red-handed begging and pleading with their wives to let them attend a shoot. It was a pitiful sight to see these big tough shooters whimpering to the wife. Despite rumor, it is true some men even bring their wives gifts and flowers prior to asking permission! Truth is, do not believe those shooters who act tough and cool playing cards late at night... they were caught asking permission too! One man threatened to leap from a balcony at the opera if his wife would not let him go to a shoot. She remained firm. The man did not jump and was cruelly forced to endure the performance. Who can you believe these days? The shooting associations need to make a anti-lying rule that's what! Now you know. If you want news... you'll get it here, just the way you like it. You may call the ICTUJ for a copy of the videotape and you will see your friends acting strangely too. It's enough to bring tears to your eyes to learn we have been victimized by repeated lies. 0-247-69979-8845 $39 + $4.50 shipping and handling. |
$$$ HOT SHOTGUNS $$$ That's right, stolen shotguns, cars, dogs, cats, home! Now you can have quality products at bargain basement prices. These products are actually "rented without the owners permission" so you can get a better deal! Just tell us what you need and we will deliver at a price you can afford. Now don't frown on us... thievery will always be a fact of life now or 10,000 years from now. We won't go away, so you may as well accept the fact and place your order with us. And why not? Go ahead, buy a new car, trap gun or whatever. A thief will take it and what did you gain? You lost money that's what! So, you see? It makes perfect sense to call; THIEVES R US You want it? We'll get it for you! Call: Gerry 1-444-555-90095 If you're a cop or victim, don't call! |
10,000 MATURE FEDERAL 123S WADS FOR SALE ! Used wads 1 each! Mixed bag of orange and purple color wads. SPECIAL SALE Sun-baked naturally cured wads now only 2 each. These wads have been sun-dried naturally from some of the oldest trapfields and have been cured for at least 5-years! The natural bleached appearance and the enhanced stiff rigomortis state of the plastic ensures you will get a very tight shot pattern. Many pros use these exquisite naturally-aged wads to get 100-straight's... now you can too! You'll love the way the wad disintegrates upon firing so the hot expansion gases make intimate contact with the shot melting pellets together to prevent flyers! Call Christine: 1-552-4387-8884 Don't call if you simply want to talk to a girl or need a date. I'm too busy and I already have a boyfriend who wins lot's of trapshoots so don't try to impress me to gain my affections. Thank you. |
BE A DRUG DEALER... YOU CAN LIVE IN A MANSION DEALING DRUGS... LEGALLY! Be an M.D. and you can write prescriptions for all of the illegal drugs that are only legal for doctors to prescribe. That's right... all of them. Cocaine, Morphine, Opium-base pain killers and even Marijuana too! Only a M.D. can sell these drugs and get rich without any fear of arrest or prison time. So, if you want to be a wealthy drug dealer? Be a Doctor! MEDICAL COLLEGE OF DRUG DEALING Call: 881-4444-66452 |
RECOIL BOTHERING YOU? I HAVE THE FINAL CURE ! Doctor Cutyarealbad can perform a simple surgical shoulder blade replacement made of solid high-carbon steel that takes the pain of recoil away forever! PLUS... YOU GET THE FAMOUS MAGNETIC GUN MOUNT SYSTEM ! That's correct. Now you get FREE the fabulous magnetic butt plate that will lock and socket your gun to your new steel shoulder with incredible precision, each and every time... and your insurance will pay for it, too. How? Dr. Cutyarealbad will perform an exam and accidentally break your shoulder when you fall off the examining table! (A small sledge hammer may be used on large men). Once your insurance claim is approved - which happens with a quick phone call from the doctor to your claim processor - you will be put to sleep and the shoulder and bones replaced with steel... just like in The Terminator movie! IT'S FREE... SO WHY NOT MAKE YOUR APPOINTMENT TODAY? Call the Doctor at CUT ME PLEASE (555-33-763458) Look at the pros shoulders. Can you see the steel plate? You bet you can! They all have steel shoulders and magnetic butt plates... and you didn't even know it until now! |
HIRE A BULLY ! We are not thugs... we are Bully's... big difference! Why walk around the trap club at a registered shoot with your head low and eyes dimmed as the better shooters pass you by? Now you can hire a Bully who will dress in his muscular tank-top flexing his authoritative presence for you! Your Bully will never leave your side! A Bully may not help you win the shoot, but it will certainly make you feel better that nobody is going to give you condescending looks... not with a Bully by your side they won't! BULLY'S ARE LIMITED... HIRE YOURS NOW! Do you want to be Bullied? Then call today, right now... Call: BULLY FOR YOU (478-895-87799) |
FULL THRUST! THE WAY TO WIN ! That's right trap shooters! Full Thrust is the perfect blend of pure Fumecide and Sulfide Oxidants (main ingredient in beans) to give your competitors a run for their money... right to the toilet! One capsule filled with these powerful seeds is all it takes to immobilize the trapshooter you fear the most. It creates massive colon swelling with gas... Full Thrust ahead! One dose lasts for 48-hours so it is economical to use compared to other brands. Potency quality is assured as we pick our own natural weeds for ingredients. We even put in some preservatives and artificial coloring since you won't be taking the capsules so why would you care, right? Slip Full Thrust into beer and you get gas... from both directions! The little stinker won't take your option money this time! 50-capsules only $12.95. Call 800-331-57643-54791 |
RENT A BARKING DOG ! And you thought all those trapshooter's dogs were theirs? Don't be fooled! Those trap shooters walking around with their dogs after the shoot are not their dogs... they are "Professional Barkers" and "Flea Jumper" dogs used to help them win the shoots! It's easy. You rent a barker (specially trained animal) to yap, howl and bark at night keeping others awake in the camping areas while you stay at a motel. Tired shooters don't shoot well. Sandbaggers have used this technique for years and it's legal... no one has ever been arrested for using a dog to disturb the peace. RENT A FLEA JUMPER DOG A new concept that works ! We have dogs that are loaded with a special genetic blend of aggressive fleas. Just walk your dog about the trap club grounds and let the dog's fleas leap on shooters without their knowledge. Don't forget to walk the dog next to the pros* so you can get the edge up on them too. You will never be bitten by these fleas as they have been genetically designed to obey ultrasonic frequencies. You will wear an encoded frequency generator to prevent self-inflicted flea bites. Call today to win: 1-324-527-880725 *Most pros wear flea powder as they have seen every trick in the book. We have special Coon Creek mosquitoes in a bottle that no barrier can stop. $20 per 5,000. Huge, aggressive and very nasty bites. The itching lasts up to 30-days or more! |
...NEWS NEWS NEWS... TRAP SHOOTING NEWS... FIND IT HERE! New book written by Clarence Bagasand, "Rule Violation Techniques" has been published. Bagasand, the ultimate sandbagger, shows you how to violate every trap shooting rule with flair and how to lie your way out when you do get caught to prevent disciplinary action. Publisher claims 100,000 copies have been sold in the first week to trap shooters already. Killer Bee Press $43.50. 1-800-567-98981 New videotape has been produced, "How To Be a Certified Know-It-All" $79.95. The film interviews all the top braggarts in the world at the gun clubs they haunt. It's a stunning collection of knowledge on how to BS your way with other shooters to make them believe you really do know it all. Learn how to speak with that booming commanding voice you know all so well but can never seem to mimic. If you want to know it all this could be the movie for you. Call; Big Mouth Productions 800-594-97321. London, England Beware - a new sandbagging technique is now coming to America. First it was used in England, now it has found its way to the states. Here's how it works. A shooter, usually a friend or hired hand of a sandbagger or rival, places a pipe reamer into the muzzle of a shooter's barrel and with one quick twist the choke feature is totally ruined and pattern deflected. Now you know why pros will not leave their guns on the rack with the rest of us... they know sabotage is a real threat! Ohio The Rules Committee is calling an emergency meeting to review why professionals shoot so well and to help discover sandbaggers. A secret cache of trap shooting aids has been discovered used to win trapshoots. A pair of shooting eye glasses with 10x magnification was found that makes it almost impossible to miss the target. A sophisticated self-pointing shotgun was found and tested to never miss a target. It works on a radar beam with a computer and actuator system. Also found were special target-seeking shotshells. The wads on these shells have steering fins and motors to steer the shot to the target. A device found in a shoe that cancels the interrupter feature on a trap so the shooter can read the trap. A score sheet with invisible ink that when activated erases the existing score and places the new perfect score it its place. A small ear ring was found that when wiggled sends a sound wave that will break a target up to 50-yards. Watch out for pros who wear ear rings! A spokesperson proclaims, "When will the cheating stop? We are trying to run an honest game here!" |
GOOD LUCK CHARMS ! Pros use them and so should you!
1-888-764-354-99992 |
YOUR PERSONAL COACH !!! CALL ME 707-461-60232 You want to bust 'em hard, baby? Then give me a call and let's go pro! Stop being an amateur. I have the skills to turn you into a monster shot trapshooter. Imagine your friends saying, "Uh oh, here comes Godzilla." Yes, this can be you... a big bad mean trapshooter where people respect you because they are scared of you! HERE'S WHAT I'LL DO FOR YOU... We will go to a registered competition. People will see that you have a pro coach standing behind you. When you miss a target I'll cuss at you! Call you a damn fool and blooming idiot to make you try harder to win! When you hit targets I'll cheer loudly, rooting for you to annihilate the competition and upset their concentration for you. When you are feeling down? I'll be there to listen to your self-pity lies and tragic stories and wretched excuses. Then I will rise up, slap your face and hurl profanities at you so you can recover from your slump quickly. That's what coaches do. That's how pros win... they cuss at themselves before they miss targets and they learned it from coaches like me. Only $50 a day! Get with the winning program! All this can be yours! All you need to do is call me today! |
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Written by; James Russell, Copyright 1998, Author of "Trap Shooting Secrets" and "Precision Shooting - The Trapshooter's Bible." If your scores do not rise in 30-days we'll refund the purchase price of the book! No other publisher offers such a guarantee as this!
Our web site: http://www.JamesRussellPublishing.com
See our Testimonial Page on our Web site to see how these books has helped trap shooters! Read what the Olympic professional shooter's have to say about them!
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Magazines or other entities who wish to print these articles for commercial purposes must contact the Author for permissions in writing by mail. Author will not sell or relinquish copyrights on any permanent basis.
by James Russell. All rights reserved.
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